Character Development Isn't Easy

SPECIFICALLY, HOW DO WE DEVELOP THE MORAL REASONING OF OUR CHILDREN?

There are several ways to accomplish this:

1. We want our children to think about everyday moral decisions and decide the right course of action. We can pose plausible scenarios and dilemmas for them to think about. There are several types of moral decisions:
   1. Right vs. Wrong situations: These are cases in which a clear right choice is available, and the alternative (wrong choice) violates a moral principle and/or promotes a vice, rather than a virtue. In these decisions, the adults usually see the decision more clearly than the child. This is often because the child doesn't see the consequences of the "wrong" - only the benefits of the "right."
   2. Right vs. Right situations: These are cases in which you must choose between being true to one moral principle or another, or favoring one virtue over another. They often involve competing duties or commitments. For example, it is right to be loyal to your friends, but it is also right to tell the teacher if one of your friends cheats on a test. In these dilemmas we have to ask the child, if there are two rights, what do you consider? This is not as easy as it sounds. Because both choices are right, by definition the decision-maker will leave one "right" behind. This might be their conscience ("No mater what I do, I'll feel bad afterwards"), or some principle that they may have to violate ("I have to turn in friend, which seems disloyal," or "I have to hurt someone's feelings, which seems unkind, in order to tell them the truth").
   3. Wrong vs. Wrong situations: These are cases where there is no choice available that does not violate a moral principle. These cases are rare, but very troubling. In these situations, the child must decide which is the "lesser of the evils." But how do they choose between two wrongs? What do they consider?

      For example, does a man steal food for his starving family? It's both wrong to let your family starve, and wrong to steal. To which do we have a higher obligation? One could argue that either choice is wrong, but which is worse? This is where we have to make value judgements and balance our respect for the law and societal agreements (not to steal) against our respect for human life (not letting a human die of starvation). These become very personal value judgments, and often can be argued in many ways. However, a good moral reasoning process should include a consideration of all aspects of the situation before deciding. So the adult can assist here by asking the right questions "Have you thought about this?"

2. Younger children, ages 4-6, can be asked to judge another child's actions, "Do you think Jake did the right thing?"
3. Older children can resolve a moral dilemma by choosing right or wrong actions for themselves (Would you Chose A or B? Why?)
4. We can help children understand the consequences of making poor decisions. There are many possible consequences to consider here:
   1. They might feel bad about it afterward (moral conscience)
   2. The possibility of getting caught -- children often miss-calculate this as a point of immaturity.
   3. They should consider the consequence of being punished for their action.
   4. They might think about how their friends see their action (embarrassment, disappointment, etc.). They could even lose a friend.
   5. Their action may cause them to lose the trust of someone (for example, parents, friends, teacher, etc.)
   6. Their actions may be dangerous and cause themselves or others to get hurt. This includes emotional or physical harm; both short term, long term, or even permanent harm.
   7. They should consider the consequence that once someone starts to lie, they feel they need to keep lying and dig a deeper and deeper hole.
   8. They should realize that poor decisions may form bad habits and it will be harder to do the right thing next time.
   9. They should realize that bad actions toward another person might lead to unpleasant acts of reciprocity or even revenge.
5. We need to help Children understand why some actions are wrong regardless of the consequences. These actions might allow the adult to ask questions such as:
   1. "What if everyone did that?"
   2. "If it happened to you, how would you feel?"
   3. "Is that fair to everyone else?"
   4. "Are you just being selfish?"
   5. "Does that show concern or care for others?"
   6. "Are you using other people to get what you want?"
   7. "Would you want to be friends with someone who treated you like that?"
6. We want our children to recognize "bad" when they see it in order to avoid it for themselves. They can see this in two ways:
   1. they can be corrected or punished when doing something "bad"
   2. they can see someone else be corrected or punished when doing something "bad"
7. Both of these methods are effective, but often observing others has the desired deterrent effect, without the emotion of punishing the child. Children can also learn through stories in which the characters experience good and bad.
8. We want children to develop their moral conscience. This is quite important, of course, to prepare them for adulthood when the parent cannot always be there to correct them. We want them to do the right thing even when 'no one is watching.' They need to listen to the "little voice in their head," and hopefully that voice will tell them the right thing to do. The conscience should work for them in both the positive and negative direction. When they do the right thing, particularly when it might be the harder choice, they should feel good about themselves (positive self-concept). When they give into the "easy wrong," they should feel bad about themselves, and hopefully try harder next time to do the right thing.
9. We want children to understand that there are better (and weaker) reasons for doing the right thing. There are many ways to evaluate reasons for acting, but, in general, there is a transition from self-centric reasoning, to ethically-based principled reasoning, where someone does the right thing just because it's right.
10. We want our children to know that motives and intentions do matter. Starting with good will (good intentions) is the beginning of good moral reasoning. But good intentions alone do not necessarily mean one is making the best moral choice. (My intentions may be good, as I lie for my friend, but my action is wrong.) There are further moral considers mentioned above.
11. We want children to recognize morally relevant situations. Importantly, we also want them to judge immoral behaviour to be wrong.

    For example, when they see a classmate cheat, they might respond in several ways:

    1. I don't think cheating is wrong - everybody does it
    2. I know it's wrong, but I don't care at all if he cheats
    3. I know it's wrong to cheat, but that's his thing - it's ok for him
    4. I know it's wrong to cheat, and I think he is wrong in his actions
    5. I know it's wrong to cheat, and I feel obligated to talk to him about it and, if he does not turn himself in, turn him in to the teacher.
    Category 1 is basic relativism and an abdication of moral judgment.
    Categories 2 and 3 involve some recognition of right and wrong, but pass no moral judgement on others.
    Category 4 involves making the hard moral judgment that the observed action is wrong, but takes no action.
    Category 5 involves both judgement and corrective action.

    We hope that our child would be in category 4 or 5 above.

12. In order to expect our children to reach category 4 above, we need to engage in open, daily discussion with him/her and (subtly) encourage them understand why certain behaviors are wrong. We can (conversationally, rather than declaratively) point out considerations such as:
    1. What if everyone did that?
    2. It that fair to everyone else?
    3. Is it right to turn in work that is not your own?
    4. Isn't that sort of a lie?
    5. Won't you feel bad later?
    6. Does cheating show respect for your teacher?
13. We have to (continuously) hold children to a high moral standard by correcting their poor decisions and improper actions. It is vitally important that we challenge their wrong decisions to help them reason better. If challenging their reasoning is not successful, we should be prepared to say, "That is just wrong." Then we should explain why it is wrong and not be afraid to pass judgment.

The moment we overlook poor moral behavior in our child, we have just accepted a diminished moral standard for that child. Once we establish a lower standard, it may be very difficult to bring that standard back up where it should be. Once we allow (thereby condone) poor behavior by not correcting it, we may be sending a moral signal to the child that is irretrievable or irrevocable.

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